And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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