So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
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So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
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I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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