Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm too high and old for this...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
