No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
