He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
