yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
