I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
