pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
