I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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