Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You need a sexual gate keeper
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
