I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You made out with two different species that night
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I touched a dick in church today
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
