i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
