Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
