Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
