i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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