Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
