I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
