one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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