Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
