Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
