That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
