so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
