Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
