I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
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