Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
