Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
