Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
