My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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