does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
