Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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