I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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