So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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