Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
this is an emotional support booty call
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
