I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
