Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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