I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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