How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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