So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
