please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
