I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
