mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
