True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
