all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
