happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize