well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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