Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
