Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
