it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
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