Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
