I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
