i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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