ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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