i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
