dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I take back everything I said about communal showers
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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