farters have to be the big spoon...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
