Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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