The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
