oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
