cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
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He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
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I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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